theories of relativity

while some things are bad only by comparison (like your grade-eight heart-throb in relation to Daniel Craig or to Rachel McAdams, depending on which way your heart throbs), other things are horrific in the absolute. like genocide. or Fran Drescher. or witnessing first-date flops in coffee shops. despite making for good write-ups (far be it for me to look a gift horse in the mouth!), the latter are brutal to behold. each physical mismatch, bad joke, ho-hum expression and conversational lag twists an onlooker's kidneys, liver and pancreas into distorted and temporarily dysfunctional knots. only slightly less painful -- as i'm discovering today for the first time -- is overhearing some peoples' accounts of their recent dates.

case in point: the two thirty-something women beside me, discussing the first date one of them went on last night. the downside was that the guy surprised Lady Lover -- who apparently, and unbeknownst to him (poor thing!), hates chinese cuisine -- by taking her to his favourite (chinese) restaurant. the upside is that she thinks he's trendy -- he wore these cute boots that *i* would've picked out for him! (ah, girls who long to dress "their" man... *cringe*) -- and that it's sweet that Cute Boots proceeded to get plastered because he was so nervous. particularly agonizing, though, is Lady's friend. (how's about we call her Buffy.) in addition to repeatedly sharing her wildexplosion-ofa-highpitched cackle and offering up some arguably misguided theories (such as the reason Boots drank himself silly), Buffy periodically refers to herself in the third person -- Buffy completely understands! (*flashback to related Seinfeld episode*) -- and continues to inform Lady of what she (i.e. Lady) thinks about the whole situation, even at Lady's insistence that she actually sees things differently. (with friends like this, who needs a working mind of one's own!)

as our female tag-team departs, many pressing questions remain unanswered. is there a second date on the horizon? will Lady confess her distaste for the culinary asian invasion? will Boots pull off sobriety next time? and, most importantly, when will Lady and Buffy return for more post-date deliberations? (at that time, i'll be sure to have a prior engagement with reruns of The Nanny.)

and now back to translating...