right now i'm in a familiar golden-triangle chain café where, by contrast, everything tends to be über status quo: the music's mainstream (unfortunately including a few jazz standards -- how did Diana Krall not come up in earlier discussions about androgynous voices?), the staff are bubbly (remember Musical-Theatre Genius?), and the coffee is, i assume, as addictive as most others. yet, today, the brew here must be at least as powerful as at the Jet, because what else could be fuelling all this palpable, out-of-character frustration?
crime scene #1
act I: two 60-something regulars -- one: a tall, spry man, bald like a friar; the other: a pale and dreary mr. potato head, sporting salt-and-pepper tumbleweed for hair -- gab for more than twenty minutes and exit the coffee shop, leaving paper cups and thickly strewn newsprint behind.
act II: some five minutes later, another man -- an elongated kind of Jerry Seinfeld -- enters and, after surveying the room to be sure no one's occupying the only available table, quietly clears away the newspapery mess, sets down his things (keys, pen and paper, etc.) and gets in line to order a shot of caffeine.
act III: suddenly, Tumbleweed returns. (uh-oh.) he's solo. sees new look of table. flicker of red rage through the eyes. begins grumbling. low, intense: i was sitting here! who moved my stuff?! aggressively pushes keys-etc off "his" table. Jerry walks over. gentle, sincere: sorry, i didn't know anyone was sitting here. shifts things to newly available table. Tumbleweed growls at Jerry once, twice. Jerry, shocked but calm and firm: hey, take it easy! Tumbleweed growls a third time. loud. crowd on edge. Jerry slinks over to new table. wants to leave. but will not be bullied out of the café. five more minutes of Tumbleweed thrashing about. barking at staff. (what'd you do with my newspapers? where's my bic pen?) glaring at Jerry.
tick...
crime scene #2
an hour later, exasperated 50-year-old woman and her silent, feeble mother are getting ready to leave. very audibly, Daughter says to Mother: well...(*heavy sigh*)...i guess ya better go to the washroom now so we can get in at least a FEW hours in the car without having to stop...
tick...
crime scene #3
sitting at the table next to me, 10 minutes later, is a 30-something woman wearing -- get ready! -- pink patent-pleather platform shoes. (that's at least three inches of "formed plat.") this is a very bossy ladder-climber who -- not to quote from the zodiac or anything, but... -- must have her sun, moon or something else in Leo, as per its "loud/proud/be-the-focus-of-the-crowd" qualities: she spends thirty minutes talking on the phone at top volume with a contractor-colleague, barking orders at him à la Tumbleweed and -- due to a bad phone connection -- routinely bellowing "speak up!"
Pinky's the only one who doesn't notice that every other java sipper is ready to pounce on her and pummel 'er to a patent-leather pulp.
tick...
crime scene #4
Pinky and the friendly young guy at the table next to her realize they both need to use the outlet near him to recharge their computers. as it turns out, her battery is much lower than his. and, besides, successfully saying "no" to this lady is about as likely as Daughter managing to mind Mother's dignity. still, when Friendly yields the outlet to Pinky, i think to myself: aw, how nice! that is, until he throws in: ladies first. nothing against Friendly. obviously, he's still very nice. but how is it that this "ladies first" thing endures? Pinky has a vulva; ergo, she goes first? bogus logic, on all imaginable levels. no, this tagline and all it represents need to go. let's make a deal, Mister: you don't have to open the door for me because my genitals go in and yours go out. instead, you could do it because you get there first, i happen to be walking through the same door right after you, and it's a nice (not to mention really easy) thing to do. and these are the exact reasons why i could, should and will do the same for you, or any vulva-toting passer-by. yeah?
BOOM!
(and i don't even drink coffee.)
and now back to translating...
Good post, however I have to disagree about the 'ladies first' thing. Yes, it's old fashioned, and yes, we women have successfully moved beyond the helpless-weaker-sex-needing-to-be-taken-care-of days, but I view it as polite nonetheless, when a man let's me go first, or opens the door for me. It's sort of like someone saying 'bless you' after you sneeze. I don't need to be 'blessed'- I'm pretty well non-religious these days and the idea of receiving an actual blessing sort of creeps me out, but it doesn't creep me out when someone says that after I sneeze. It's just become the accepted polite thing to do, religion or no religion.
ReplyDeletei agree completely with your "bless you" comment. let's come up with a non-religious replacement for that, or let's decide to be ok with saying nothing after people sneeze. it's a bizarre habit anyway. using the same logic, i completely disagree (obviously) with the "ladies first" business. unless, we also add a "men first" equivalent when a woman decides to hold the door open for a man. and i think that, as soon as we read that suggestion, we realize how ridiculous it is. opening doors for other people is a polite thing to do, regardless of sex or gender. we can all be polite by doing it. it's called common courtesy. i think expecting -- or even getting a kick out of -- the "ladies first" thing is outdated and, dare i say, regressive. time to move forward. the fact that something has been "accepted" is the very reason to question it.
DeleteAdding the 'Men First' equivalent, as you say, is ridiculous, because a relationship is not about keeping score. Just because a man does something for us, we should not HAVE to do it in return. To quote Brett McKay in his blog, 'The Art of Manliness':
ReplyDelete"Personally, I think preserving a few small differences in the expectations of male/female behavior, simply as symbols of our differences, keeps things fun. Rules and traditions give life texture and meaning, as opposed to living life in an entirely blah postmodern wasteland. Sameness is boring. Differences create attraction".
Thanks Brent!
well, my short response to what Brent has to say is: oh, brother! and that i have a problem with the basic premise of what he says in that quote (and with what he's, most likely, saying in the title of his blog).
ReplyDeletebut i've said lots already and would like to leave room for others to weigh in with their own thoughts -- similar or new.
Well, well, well.. look what I've stumbled in on.... Cara, I don't know you but have heard/ only see great things about you from TVB/ Big C. On that note though, I completely disagree with keeping "ladies first". I mean come on, in keeping up with that, shouldn't we also have kept up with gender seperation on all levels.. I don't want or need to be Captain Obvious here, but by letting men think that holding a door open for us, is nice b/c they think they are doing us a favor, in a way that they probably think we couldn't have tweaked that door out in to that big bad wind in the first place...1st- ANNOYS the heck out of me..and 2nd- point made by TVB {a great one I might add} is, where has Common Courtesy gone.. & when, oh when is it making a come back?
ReplyDeletePeople need to do things for people out of no other thoughts than, "hey, I should open that door for her/ him..b/c it would be a nice thing to do for her/him..." & I am sorry for writing a book... haha.. But seriously... Ladies first.. PFFFFTTTT! No one is first... do a good deed people, for the sake of doing the good deed..that is the reward...doing the good deed. {I felt a three-peat was clearly needed there to hit home the point}!
And back to smiling... :)! {LOL/:)..that's for you TVB}
I like to think I'm somewhat of a feminist- ie, I think old traditional roles of women and discrimination in this sense are things of the past. I like to think that for the most part, we've moved on.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not saying we should all bring back the 'ladies first' line as a rule or that men who don't do it SHOULD do it- that's not what I think. I furthermore understand how women don't want to be treated any differently and I get where you're both coming from and why you scoff at this and see it as a case of inequality.
For the record, I also always try to hold open doors for both men AND women and try to let people go first ahead of me in line etc - common courtesy as we've said and which we agree everyone should use.
HOWEVER, at heart, I am a real romantic, and I am not opposed to someone opening the door for me. I am also not opposed to a man showing up at my door with flowers, or insisting that he walk 'curbside' beside me on the street. I also admire if a man offers to pay on the first date rather than split the cheque.
To me, these demonstrations are a throwback to an earlier time, and I personally don't react in a post-feminist state of scorn. When the 'ladies first' line happens- not often, and usually by older men I notice- it just makes me smile. I think it's sweet is all, but I don't believe we're owed it. Just like I don't think we're 'owed' flowers, to be walked "protected" curbside, or to have a drink covered for us on the first date.
Again, it's my romantic side that enjoys this, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to be both a romantic and a feminist. I don't apologize for secretly liking these occasional displays in modern times.
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ReplyDelete